My Expectation of Love
How I Want to Speak to My Future Daughter and Son
For My Daughter: The Type of Love to Desire
For My Son: The Kind of Love to Give
I do not desire the type of love that only springs from emotion. Emotions are like vapor — within the twinkle of an eye, they evaporate. Emotions are ephemeral; they are temporary. I have seen very great love, and I have also seen not-so-good love.
When love is defined by how we currently feel, then that is not love. Many times, it is lust. This is a short write-up on my expectation of love. When I was in high school, we generally defined love as a strong feeling or desire for someone. The Oxford Dictionary says: “An intense feeling of deep affection or a great interest and pleasure in something.”
However, the dictionary cannot do justice to the love I am about to talk about. Intense feelings fade over time; strong desires can be triggered by fleshly impulses. This is not the kind of love Amnon, the first son of King David, had toward his sister Tamar. After he had his way with his half-sister, as advised by his friend Jonadab, the love fizzled away — it was obviously an obsession.
A lot of things appear to be love, such as lust and obsession. This writing focuses on the Word of God, and my expectation of love will be drawn from that. It will also include a little teaching about love, since I am documenting this for my children — both biological and adopted.
Lately, I was having a conversation with a woman who was experiencing separation, and from that conversation, I realized that the love that sustains a relationship is not the butterflies we feel in our stomachs. I am thirty at the time of writing this article, and one of the things I do most is ask questions from those in marriage — especially those in Christ. I observe their lives and have come to understand that what sustains love is a choice, not a feeling. Some would say the feeling disappeared after the honeymoon.
Interestingly, there are a few shows you would never catch me watching, but I have visited people who do. There is both a Nigerian version and an American version; I think the Nigerian one is Justice Court. One of the scary things about those shows is seeing people who once said they loved each other now show disdain toward one another. It’s frightening to me, and I often ask myself, “So, these people once loved each other?”
Perhaps that curiosity explains why the union of marriage has always caught my interest. When I was younger, my dad, being an elderly man, often settled conflicts for couples — and some of those conflicts had the involvement of domestic violence. Witnessing those moments shaped my thoughts about love and marriage and left me wondering, “How does love get so bitter?”
One of the concepts I read a lot about when I received the life of Christ was marriage. Ephesians 5:22–33 was one of the first passages I read, and at first, I thought God was not being fair. How could He say women should submit? I was defensive then because I did not understand the will of God, and my knowledge was shaped by how my culture treated women.
At that time, I believed the only scripture a patriarchal society agreed with—or knew how to quote—was Ephesians 5:22. They rarely quoted the rest of that passage. At that phase in my life, it felt like I was arguing with and questioning God about why He made it that way. Beloved, the best response to God is, “Yes, Lord! And an open-heart to learn from his word not argue”
Moving on….
As I continued reading that passage over and over again, I began to understand it in the light of God’s Word and not through the lens of my culture. The design of God is always for our safety. God is not against women, neither is He against men. However, if you study Ephesians 5:22–33 carefully, you will see that marriage follows a certain model — the relationship between Christ and the Church.
When this divine model is misunderstood, many people end up building relationships on unstable foundations. Based on how many marriages and love stories turn out these days, it is obvious that love cannot be solely based on intense feelings, because those feelings often end in resentment. I believe that building marital love on mere emotions will always end in disaster — as it often does.
What Is Love?
While I was in college, a man of God came for our brothers’ and sisters’ weekend, and he defined love as death. Scary, right? I had never heard such a definition before. He explained it using 1 Corinthians 13 and Ephesians 5:22–33, describing the sacrificial love of God, and he said that this is the only kind of love that truly thrives in marriage. In that same light, I would define love as well.
Love is obedience. Yes, that is my definition of love. Love is obeying what God has said concerning love. While I was reflecting on this topic, I discovered that in life, we often do thorough research and use every available tool in our chosen fields of endeavor, yet love is the one subject we all feel overconfident about. Most people never take time to learn about love because it starts with a feeling. We make assumptions that this feeling is all we need in establishing a love relationship.
Love Is Obedience
Obedience? Yes. This will make sense with proper context and explanation. The kind of love that can sustain a relationship can never be based on the dictionary meaning of love. If God created love—marital love—then only He can give the perfect definition of it.
Love is not defined in the Bible in the same manner the dictionary defines it, yet Love was explained and shown in the Bible. This love was demonstrated in a Person.
John 3:16 (KJV) says, “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”
The expression of God’s love is not an intense feeling, as the dictionary describes, but a person. This is not to disregard feelings, but to establish that love cannot be built solely on them. Jesus demonstrated God’s love in a very specific way:
Philippians 2:8 — “And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross.”
Jesus’ expression of love toward mankind was seen in His obedience to the will of God. This act of obedience was God’s demonstration of love. Obviously, Jesus was not feeling the “butterfly love” for us a few minutes before going to the cross. It was clear He wasn’t, because He prayed this exact prayer: “My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will.”
There are journeys in love stories that mirror this experience — moments where love means surrendering to the will of God. Remember, Jesus’ story is a love story toward us.
From what I have explained, you can already start to understand my expectation of love. The Bible does not give a dictionary-like definition of love; instead, it gives many explanations and demonstrations of it. Jesus’ demonstration of love is the highest example of love itself — and from it, He gave husbands a template of how love should be demonstrated.
The Bible says Jesus was obedient even unto death. Love cannot be demonstrated if the will of God is not known. Why was Jesus able to endure the cross in full obedience? Because He knew God’s will for mankind. Using the same template, a man cannot truly love if he does not know the will of God.
From my story….
I often write about my previous relationship. I have not been in many, but I gained a lot of understanding from that one. Trust me, we all get carried away by that butterfly feeling — so I am not downplaying it. However, we must learn to focus on what God has said above our feelings.
This brother was getting too physical — too touchy which was influencing the relationship negatively. This is disobedience to what God desires, right? The butterfly feeling often clouds our judgment of a person. I once asked him, “Why do you always want to touch in an ungodly manner?” His reaction after that conversation clearly showed me that it wasn’t love. Yes, he might have had strong, intense feelings, but that was lust.
A year after that relationship ended, I was reflecting on it through the lens of God’s Word. I thought to myself: A man who cannot obey God’s Word when emotions are high, how will he obey when the feelings fade?
I’m not sharing my story to appear as the better one — I had my struggles too. But understanding God’s will above my feelings made the difference. A man who is not surrendered to the love and will of God cannot truly love. Such a man may teach the Bible and quote scriptures, yet still fail to live in surrender to God.
As I continue to grow in faith, I have realized that revelational knowledge is different from head knowledge, especially among those who pride themselves in “knowing the Word.” They may know so much about the Scriptures, yet struggle to do what it says when it conflicts with their desires.
Marriage can get complicated. From my observations and conversations with people, I have learned that the only thing that truly helps during hard times is the choice to obey God and to understand His will for that marriage — just as Jesus did in His obedience to God. Imagine if I hadn’t known God’s will for my life before I met that brother, we would have built a marriage relationship on lust then start struggling if it eventually leads to marriage. I honestly felt like I wasn’t thinking clearly in that relationship until I stepped out of it.
That brother is not a bad person; however, it is very important that a man who is going to be the head of a home — and who has the responsibility to love — must first be an obedient person, especially to the will of God.
Our feelings will not always align with the plan of God. If a man is not trained to subject his feelings to God before marriage, marriage will not suddenly turn him into a “superman.”
In marriage, love is simply living out Ephesians 5:22–33.
Love is a reality, not just a feeling. It is a reality that includes feelings but does not depend solely on them. Love succeeds when both partners are completely obedient to what the Originator of love has said concerning it. The love I am focused on here is the love between a man and a woman that leads to — or exists within — marriage.
Here Is God’s Instruction Taught Through Paul
Ephesians 5:22–33 (NIV)
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.
23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, His body, of which He is the Savior.
24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her
26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,
27 and to present her to Himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—
30 for we are members of His body.
31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”
32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.
33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
This instruction about love was not given because it would always suit our feelings. God gave both genders what they are not naturally good at — He made their weaknesses a platform of service to the other ( turns our so-called weakness to our responsibility in serving).
While I was in a relationship, I noticed that it came naturally for me to put the man first before myself, but it was not the same for him. Men naturally tend to put themselves first. Paul says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” The simplest way to understand this is: Husbands, put your wife first — prioritize her above yourself — just as Christ prioritized the church over His feelings at the cross.
This is not natural for men. In marriage, God holds a man responsible for such kind of great sacrifice.
Then for wives, here is the woman’s responsibility — putting her husband above herself. Women also struggle with this. I remember fighting against Ephesians 5:22 when I first began my journey with God, but I have come to realize that only God can explain the method behind His concept.
Over time, I saw that just as the Church is submitted to Christ — and Christ provides safety, security, structure, and models sonship before God — the man is meant to be as Christ to his own wife. This arrangement is God’s provision of safety, protection, and order.
God is not a misogynist or a feminist — He is a good God. These instructions cannot always be fulfilled in the flesh or by our own human strength. In the same way Jesus prayed, “If it is possible, let this cup pass from Me,” we too will have moments like that in love.
This is why I believe the man of God I spoke about earlier said, “Love is death” — death to self. And that is why I believe we must choose our partners with God — men and women who are submitted to Him — people who can continue that same prayer: “Not my will, O God, but Yours be done.”
This is why I said love is indeed obedience to the will of God in marriage. Starting out with a man who is disobedient to God is a danger zone. A man who chooses his selfish desires over the written Word of God is a danger zone because when the wind and storm come, he has no record of obeying God — neither does he even recognize the will of God.
I have never seen a warrior whose first experience of fighting is on the day of battle.
Moving forward….
The responsibility God gave to both parties in marriage is not something either partner should demand. For example, submission from a woman is not something a husband should take by force, and love from a man is not something a wife should forcefully demand.
Each party should willingly offer their responsibility to the other from a heart of surrender and obedience to the will of God. In the same way, Jesus gave His own life — not because He was coerced, but through perfect obedience and submission to the Father.
I think…..
Marriage becomes very difficult with a disobedient partner.
October 19, 2025
During my devotion, God corrected something I saw growing up — something I didn’t even notice. While growing up, I saw women who owned property without their husbands’ knowledge. I think that mindset was hidden somewhere in me but I did not even notice it. I heard those words often. It was called wisdom to hold a home.
It seemed to work for them, but it was outside God’s method. Many of them believed that revealing what they had to their husbands would lead to conflict or hinder their progress.They hide any good thing they thought their husbands would say “no” to — or had already said “no” to — they simply went ahead and executed their plans without his knowledge.
At age thirty, God told me that was wrong. I perceived Him saying, “There is safety in My design — when both couples agree.”
Enough reason to choose with God…
This is why we have to choose with God, because choosing an African-minded man without God often leads back to the same pattern those women improvised.
Here Is My Expectation of Love
A love that is built on complete obedience to God’s will, wisdom, plan and patterns.
To My Beloved Daughter
It takes patience to differentiate between the love God teaches from others. It all appears similar at the beginning but time, patience and fellowship with God helps in differentiating them.
To My Dear Son
You cannot give what you do not have. Please, first enjoy the abundance of God’s love and surrender to His will before you think of reaching out for romantic love. It is you God gave the responsibility of love to, so you must learn how Jesus loves the Church. Trust me — I will help you on that journey.
Lastly, just because you have experienced God’s love does not mean you can choose anyone. You must still allow God to help you in the choosing.
I love you so much, dear son, and I have been trusting God to help me raise you — together with your father — in His way. I have not written my love letter to you yet, but I will be working on it.
I love you deeply and think of you often. I pray that God helps me choose the best daddy you deserve — a faithful, honorable man who will be a great role model for you.